How-To Drive In Miami

Pro tip #1) Drive like an Asshole

I am that guy that forces you out of the left lane for my own selfish purposes. I am the one that treats traffic like an outdated Atari game. I am the one whose engine you hear late at night and whose tire marks are fresh in the morning. I am the one who uses the road for its maximum effectiveness and gets to my destination early. I am that asshole, I am that guy. I have accepted it, my behavior is probably the result of a childhood tragedy involving a hot-wheels set in second grade. But for whatever the reason, I’m never one to complain about Miami traffic. And so now I’m using my crippling condition to help others. Here are some tips to help you navigate the visceral hell vortex known as the Miami asphalt.

Pro tip #2) If your not causing an imminent accident, your not doing it right.

Most newcomers to the city streets complain that Miami drivers never let you merge, they refuse to slow down and always cause you to miss your turn or exit. They assume everyone here is selfish and refuses to share the road, that’s because they are. In Miami, most drivers are too busy day dreaming about the impending nightmare of a commute ahead. All this daydreaming can make one tired and un-alert, let them know your there by slowly driving closer to the line, smile, and then play some Rick Ross loud enough for them to hear (Miami drivers become instantly alert upon hearing Rick Ross, perhaps its the visualization of Rick Ross shirtless on the beach that causes them to recoil in panic). Now speed up and get around the car, or more than likely slow down and get in front of the car behind it.

Pro tip # 3) Merging at a red light, it is possible, it requires bending the laws of physics.

If stopped at a red light, turn on your blinker and shove your front end between any space that exists in between the front of the car next to you and the rear of the one in front of it. According to quantum physics, space and time simply do not exist, apply the same principal to your front bumper.

Pro tip #4) Waiting in-line for an exit is for beta-males and gypsies.

Proceed to bypass the exit lane until you reach the point of exit, slow down and begin to stop traffic in your lane. This will pressure the driver in the exit lane to let you merge in front of him. Congratulations, you just received one fast pass to I-95. The shell shock from horns blasting behind you usually wears off within the first 36hours.

Pro tip #5) If the lights green, its okay to make a left turn.

One of the first maneuvers I learned in Miami, is that after a green left turn signal fades away, the car behind you pulls up into your cars sphincter. Green means go, and if you are at the front of a left turn, don’t be afraid to pull up into the middle of the intersection and make a left turn when there’s a break in traffic or right before the light turns red. Remember, this is a team effort and your on point offense.

If you have any pro tips you’d like to share leave them down below in the comments